Learning and Unlearning

Janu Sirsasana C

Garbha Pindasana and Kukkutasana

Supta Kurmasana

Urdhva Muka Paschitmottanasana

Setu Bandhasana

These poses challenge me the most.

This morning's practice was about learning, as always. I finally learned the right way to get into Setu Bandhasana. Now, to practice it correctly. Also, my teacher cranked me into Supta Kurmasana, as he often does, and I felt less panic than usual. And he helped me into Garbha Pindasana, which I traveled into farther than I had ever been. It was a new horizon. While this pose is not nearly as challenging as others, it is one of the most challenging to me. I have always had a hard time squeezing my arms through. David suggested that I use lots of water, and he helped pull my arms like taffy. They finally fit, and I found my balance, but lost the bind on my third roll back. I tried to get back in, but couldn't. "Tomorrow," he said.

I stood up from my backbend the right way....ish.

But I also had to unlearn — for like the 47th time — sirsasana. I have changed this pose so many times, and felt the relief of thinking I'd finally found the right positioning of my head. Thought I had the fontanelle. I should know; my daughter's is still soft. But I was too far forward. I used to do headstand hovering above the ground to avoid any wrong contact between floor and head. Now, I think I have it. I was wobbly today, but I think it locked into place. I also felt the shoulder release...

Which brings me to shoulders. They hurt. Jumping back and Titibasana back to Bakasana turn my shoulders — I am missing something. They scare me when they hurt like this; I worry about the loss of my practice. That I will break myself. But I think I know why it's happening. I am not lining up my hands below elbows below shoulders. I am not pressing into my hands nearly as strong as I should. I found this site yesterday, and it made so much sense:

http://www.ashtanganeworleans.com/Old%20Website/StudentSection/JumpBack-Maty.htm

I realize as I type all this that it was actually a better practice than I have been giving myself credit for.

But it went long, and I came home to a hungry baby and a partner needing to start his workday. And the guilt of practicing when I 'should' have been elsewhere. And a bellyache. And a mantra for the day: today I cannot do anything right. Ugh...even as I type it I see the cliche.

It's interesting how that happens: the practice can become a kind of stamp of who we are that day. It's the blessing and the curse: we have to face who we are that day in practice, but then we are tempted to take that identity with us, when it really should stay on the mat, or melt away with Savasana. I took from practice that I had been doing it all wrong. I started a storm of doubts: should I be teaching yoga when I cannot seem to find my own fontanelle? Should I be practicing now when I could be at home? Am I worth this teacher's time? Is he disappointed in me? Am I letting my partner down?

What's the use of that? Yoga teaches us to be in the practice, but that the practice is always evolving in every moment. It is the most beautiful mix of construction and deconstruction; it is anchored in an ancient tradition that we follow day after day...but it is constantly coming apart and holding together as the body enters the shape, breathes in the shape, micro-moves in the shape, departs from the shape. It is "always already."

The day has evolved since my morning mantra.