His beingness

On Monday I saw my baby boy's face...nose, belly, that sweet little space between the nose and the upper lip, his chin. I almost saw the young adult in him, how he will look when he's almost out in the world on his own, years from now. It's strange how the ultrasound offers a glimpse of the child, but illuminates the outline of the face and body only (it was not 3D), leaving me to imagine the delicate newborn-ness filling in the spaces of who he will be just moments after he arrives.

But in practice, what do I imagine? I have been practicing with him in the belly since before his heart even began to beat. Who do I see in my mind when I am slowly folding us forward, slowly bending backward and gently feeling for his body as I do, breathing in and out from asana to asana? I imagine, have always imagined not a face, but rather a beingness: his pure existence there in the womb. I make space for him in my hip joints, and I release the muscles of the low belly and low back and tushie so that he can be surrounded by softness. But his presence is vast and takes up my whole body, so I make space for him in my shoulders (especially lately), and in my upper back, hands, legs, face, and chest. Everywhere in the body that I can soften and open, that is a space for him to breathe into, and for me to breathe into him.

There is pressure from the world outside of this body to practice in particular ways. It has in the past pressed in on my mindspace and I have felt fearful or guilty or confused...worst of all, I have felt disconnected from him. That is worst.of.all.

But today in practice, as I moved slowly through standing, seated, into 2nd, into back bending, into finishing as in deep, deep water, I was melted with him. And though I can imagine what he will look like when he's 17 years old, even gently imagine his newborn face, what I see in the heart is who he is. And I see it because I have felt him radiating everywhere.